Courtney Stodden, teen bride, prolific Tweeter, master of the single, double and triple entendres, has finally christened the Internet with 'Reality,' her first ever music video, featuring enough Auto-Tune to make Kesha puke up her glitter.

Please note that we're using "christened" in the R. Kelly sense.

Produced by her 52-year-old husband Doug Hutchison, the video is a jumbled mess of innuendos ripped from already-Captain Obvious Katy Perry (gumdrops are sticky, LOL! We lick and suck on lollipops just like oral, OMGZ!), but somehow made to look even dumber.

When she's not being carted around by shirtless, gold-masked men in a chariot cheaper than her own appearance, Stodden seduces a nerd in various settings.

She's seen alternately forcing him to grope her breasts -- which she insists are real -- at a rooftop party and then stripping him down to his skivvies in a dark room. Oh, and she licks his chest too.

Just a reminder: Stodden insists she will never, ever do porn.

Click below to watch the video and breathe a collective sigh of relief. You know, once you're done dry heaving.